I am in New York City for the summer.  Never been, always wanted to.  People always poo-pooed the idea in my youth because it was “too expensive.”  While it is expensive, I think anyone with a goal and commitment can really make it their own here.

Initially I feel like I’d totally get lost, there’s so much to do, so many pursuits to be had.  I’m taking it one step at a time.   While I’ve only been here for two weeks, I’ve made a few notable observations about New York City that rival my native ways down in Texas.  Now and in future posts, I will detail these observations, so that perhaps you, middle-America aspiring New Yorker internet user, may one day visit with ease and enlightenment and wisdom.

1. “Excuse me,” as muttered by the people gently nudging and carefully prodding and desperately sliding in between jostling bodies on the subway or on the streets really means “I need to get by” or more honestly “MOVE.”

I get it, I understand it, it’s a necessity in many situations, in fact I’ve employed it with empowerment. But if someone touches me again when it is not necessary to add earnestness or authority to their “excuse me” I am going to punch them… or cup their shoulder or touch their elbow or nudge their waist. Let’s see how their body parts feel being so ever-politely violated.

Conversely, in Texas, there really is no need to tell people to move.  There’s so much room and Texas is so huge that I’m pretty sure it’s in our constitution that we all are entitled to guns and an arm’s width of personal space at all times.

2. “CASH ONLY” is not a sign you ever see, but it’s a policy that is often invoked by the shops and stores and restaurants.

I whole-heartedly embrace the right for a business to avoid banking fees and to evade taxes, it’s a beautiful thing to let the little guy get away with things every once and awhile.  But come on! A SIGN would be lovely. And I LOVE arbitrary credit card minimums.  A little sign for that would be lovely as well, and I’d respect and honor it, but after I wasted 15 minutes in your store carefully picking out the most cost effective pen and appropriately shaped notepad just to have to abandon it on your counter because $7.98 doesn’t meet your “credit card minimum” that wasn’t disclosed by any signage or pre-transaction interaction, I don’t think I’ll be buying a stupid keychain to make it to the $10 because of your lack of transparency.  It’s a courtesy to the customer, and a courtesy that would have been returned by me selecting a slighty thicker notepad and a gelly-ier pen.

And is it even a good idea to carry cash in New York, especially traveling alone mostly as a small, fragile girl whose poker face would scream “I HAVE MONEY PLEASE DON’T HURT ME?”  That’s stupid, right? Yeah… I thought so.

Conversely, in Texas, our economy is always inexplicably booming, our small businesses have effectively been obliterated by Wal-Marts, and if you carry cash around, you’re probably a drug dealer.  So, you know.

3. People don’t really walk as fast as every one says they do.

The truth is, there are a bunch of dumbasses that mosey around, that stop in the middle of the crosswalk to point out “how tall” a building is while 100 people are trying to get inside those big buildings.  I think some of these people are tourists who then spread lies about how rude and fast everyone was in New York, failing to mention their sight-seeing idiocy at 5PM rush hour.  You suck.  Sorry if we’re moving too fast when you’re not moving at all, please get the fuck out of the way.  Oh, I mean, “Excuse me.”

There is no comparison in Texas. If we need to get somewhere we don’t walk, we get in a 4-runner and drive like idiots instead.

4. In New York, people let their dogs shit on sidewalks. And then don’t clean it up because it was diarrhea.

In Texas, we have yards our dogs can shit in.

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I learn something new every day about New York, and hopefully by the end of August I’ll have an idea of whether or not I can hack it in the city.  I think with a little more experience and secret pockets in my jacket to store cash, things may be looking good.

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Things to Make: Friends, enemies, lots of money

Things to Do: Get out of the way.